Ladies, may this be a letter to you in your process of broken heartedness. For as much as break ups are as common as the grass, it doesn’t make the experience any easier.
Bolt up your hope as if it’s the last thing you own. For you’ll need it in the hardest days. When it feels like you’re wearing confusion for contact lenses and everywhere you turn you can’t hide the tears from scrolling down your face…turn to your girls, the spiritual fathers, earthly fathers if you have them and the community, that no matter where their loyalty lies, should never take sides in this dichotomy.
These people are perennial. Keep them close and be grateful for their love throughout the process. Regard them as one of the necessity wires on our life support machine.
Whenever I’ve gone through this, I have friends for different needs. There’s one who I divulge the heartbreak hotel information and without fail, she will shout the walls down in your honor, you might even leave her on speakerphone to yell out the law whilst you cry silently into the carpet. You need this type at the very beginning when you can’t express your own intestines.
Then there are the girls who will sit next to you in worship, crying into your shoulders, whispering sweet somethings to you, stroking your neck, rubbing your back, with another wiping your eyes. These are the intercessors for you and him. They bring the greatest compassion and peace to rawness.
Then there are the tough love friends around you (and you must have these)– ensuring you don’t go down a path of self-punishment or condemnation.
Reflecting on areas you may need to apologise for in the closure. The balance and wisdom is integral and they too will be the ones to cover your blind spots. They check mark that you’re taking ownership, alongside self-love. They will remind you you’re powerful and will challenge you on contacting him for pointless answers.
Then there’s the friend who will rock up to your apartment at 2am Haagen Dazs and a plan to stay up all night with you hearing your heart. Despite wearing her new Diane Von Furstenburg number she was planning to parade at Mahikis Nightclub; your scratched heart scuppered her plans, but she’d rather be in this with you than twirl on the dancefloor. She has every intention of taking you there the next weekend.
I often get my musician friends at this time and ask them to play the piano in a room whilst I lie on the floor and let God love on me. The encounters are pretty mind blowing and often very intense. For he hates seeing his children in pain.
You don’t notice it at the time, but on reflection, those moments are the soundbites of real love, real value in community. Embrace them. Treasure the blessings you’re given in the mourning, for you will be ready to do just the same for them should they ever need it.
Those friends are as precious as the tears that roll down your face. And regarding those tears – they will stop. As long as you stay focused on hope for a brighter future. You must get them out and not distract yourself. White knuckle onto hope and faith that God protects you in rejection and layers you with grace when you may not want to see the ex through His eyes. But you must see him through His eyes for true healing.
Forgiveness happens once you’ve wrung out the pain and given that time to cry out what you will miss, what you don’t understand and that you became vulnerable to someone who then decided they didn’t want to see you vulnerable anymore. Or maybe vice versa.
Real healing looks like being able to love them from afar without agenda, without plans to go back, without a need for approval from him or anyone connected to him. You will see him one day in time to come and smile with a genuine happiness that you shared some of your lives with each other. Be it 3 days or 3 years. But you can’t get to this bit, until you’ve really worked it through, involving God first and foremost, before going to the family, the friends, the mentors.
Above all, forgiveness breaks down the walls you may hold up against others in your future path. It unfolds emotions in healthy and enchanting ways. It’s status is of the greatest reward and yet only the strongest can do it. When I see people hold on to unforgiveness, towards their partners, their parents, their children, I see brokenness everywhere; love is not permitted to play and is shut out in the cold. There is no good nor growth in this.
We weren’t designed to play fair. We were designed to play again and again and again, until you run out of love. Which of course, if you believe in God, is an impossible entity.
Don’t let this scar you. Be the tiger that you are, roar at the threats and friends who take sides, don’t believe the lies in your head and value yourself for what you deserve. For in all things, if we focus on hope and have faith in the light at the end of the tunnel, love will win again…one day.